Part 1

I was in the early planning stages of a destination wedding with an enthusiastic and sweet-tempered bride. It was her long cherished dream to be wed on a beautiful Hawaiian beach on Maui at sunset, with as many of her friends and family, in attendance, as possible. Afterwards, she wanted to have a Hawaiian style reception. She had a lot of good, creative ideas and I was enjoying working with her.

The bride had left a message for me to call her, but when I did so, a man answered the phone. I assumed he was the groom and politely identified myself and asked to speak to the bride. To my shock, he let loose a torrent of abuse that I won’t repeat. He dropped the phone and I could easily hear him yelling and cursing at people in the room. I was very surprised, because she had told me her groom supported and was paying for the Maui wedding and reception.

Finally, she came to the phone and said, “I’m sorry. That was my dad. He doesn’t like the idea of a wedding on Maui. But, don’t worry, everything is fine. He will come around.” A few days later, I was dismayed but not surprised to read her sad email, saying that she was forced to cancel her Hawaii wedding, to please her family.

I wrote her back saying I understood and offered our usual solution to such disappointments: Make the best of the family wedding, then come to Hawaii for a private beach vow renewal, as part of the honeymoon, or even a year later. Many couples do this and are happy to be able to please their family and still enjoy a simple, romantic beach wedding.

Often, couples are coerced into accepting the family plan because of the finances - the parents are paying and expect to be able to call the shots. I think that such power plays tend towards the manipulative, but it’s somewhat understandable. In this case, however, the groom was paying but still the parents forced their will on the couple, through emotional manipulation.

Somehow, it just feels wrong to me, that an adult couple can’t choose to have the wedding they want., Of course, weddings are important for the whole family but the main purpose is for a man and woman to begin THEIR life together as husband and wife, and the beginning of a new family. “Therefore, shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 11:24.

For many couples, marriage is the first time the bride and groom act fully as adults, moving out to start a new life of their own. By denying a son or daughter the right to freely choose their own wedding plans, the parents are in effect holding on and controlling when they should be letting go, allowing their grown children to choose their own life. It also sets a dangerous precedent. Will they try to also control where the new couple lives and how they raise their children?

For many people, a wedding is the first and maybe only event in their lives, in which they are able to create their own dream and vision. I feel that denying one’s children that right is cruel and selfish. Didn’t the parents get to choose how their own wedding would be celebrated? If not, maybe they should plan a vow renewal or anniversary party for themselves, the way they want it. (How would they like it, if their children tried to control their parent’s event?)

In conclusion, a wedding is a rite of passage, in which a couple moves from their families to create a new life and a new family. If the couple are very young, it is also a rite of moving into adulthood. It is the job of their families to be supportive and loving but also to let go - let the bride and groom fly with their new wings. 

Coming Soon, Part II - What to do When Controlling Families Won’t Let Go.

The groom and best man and I are awaiting the processional that will bring the bride to his side. He is smiling at first, but time is passing – no bride arrives. I glance at my watch – seven minutes late, not so bad. I regard the groom. He seems to be in a state of high anxiety. I say, “It’s okay, she will be here soon.” The groom shuffles his feet in the sand. Sweat is running down his face. He looks down and says, “She has been so nervous about this wedding. I can’t wait ‘til it’s over.”

His cellphone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and looks at it as though it’s a man-eating tiger, about to pounce. “It’s her,” he says. “Answer it,” I say calmly. “Hey, babe…” he says in a squeaky, strained voice, “you comin’ down here? Okay, okay, see ‘ya soon.” He puts away the phone. “She’s coming. Her maid of honor forgot the ‘something borrowed’ garter in her hotel room. They’ll be right here.”

“Great,” I say. “Look at that gorgeous blue sky. “Yeah,” he mutters. “It’s been hard trying to get it all together.” He can’t see the sky. The conch blows. The harp player begins “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” The bridal procession comes down the petal path and soon the bride is standing beside her groom. They look at each other, nervously. They try to smile and the ceremony begins. She doesn’t seem to realize it, but she is gorgeous.

After a few minutes, we get to the part where I say, “A marriage has moods and seasons.” They look at each other and one of them begins to laugh, then the other. The ice breaks. They clasp hands. They both realize they have already passed one of the tests of married love. Planning a wedding was stressful, probably much more than it needed to be. But, they made it. They saw each other’s dark side, but they’re saying “yes” to love!

First of all, a disclaimer: I am very fond of all of our Maui brides and grooms and their families and friends that we have worked with, no matter what they did. With that said, I go on:

What is the Job of the Bridesmaid? Webster’s New Explorer defines a bridesmaid as “a woman who attends a bride at her wedding.” “Attends” suggests helpfulness and quiet support. She knows the wedding is all about the bride and groom, not her!

Prevalent in our culture, right now, we see another image of a bridesmaid, however. In recent movies and novels, bridesmaids are often competitive, sex crazed, drunken medusas whose main job is to upstage the bride and disrupt the wedding.

Well, that’s just fiction, you might say, and, in truth, most bridesmaids I have seen are kind, dignified, helpful and deeply caring of the bride and the success of her wedding. It’s the OTHER bridesmaids I address, here. Unfortunately, the bridesmaid behaving badly doesn’t inhabit fiction only. Some are real.

I have seen bridesmaids who seem determined to receive all the attention, at a wedding, by being more demanding, louder, and more provocatively attired than her fellow bridesmaids, or the bride. I heard a bridesmaid actually once say, “there’s now way I’m going to let her (the bride) look better than me.”

They argue about all aspects of the wedding, trying to assert their own will over even the bride’s and groom’s. They come too early and try to order the wedding professionals and family members around. They throw hissy fits when they don’t get their way. Or, they come late, and often drunk, so that their hair was perfect, or they are happily sloshed, therefore delaying or interrupting the wedding. This is bad.

One bridesmaid insisted on sobbing loudly throughout the entire wedding, so that the bride and groom and minister could barely be heard. She made herself the focus of the attention. Another bride disrupted and delayed the wedding by threatening loudly and vociferously to “throw the wedding flowers and cake in the garbage can and vomit on them,” because she felt they didn’t match HER dress properly. I’m not making this stuff up.

So, come on, bridesmaids, please behave yourselves. Support the bride, don’t compete with her. Don’t try to control the wedding or entice the groom. Your day is coming and you will want well behaved bridesmaids. And, just because you’re on Maui is not an excuse to be bad!

Maybe, you were planning a wedding next summer? But, here in Hawaii, you can enjoy summer all year round. Or, were you planning a winter wedding with furs and boots? Romantic, but how about a strapless cotton dress with your feet in the warm sand and your happy groom in an aloha shirt? Spend your honeymoon swimming in blue seas with the whales and your evenings dining and dancing under the stars.

If it sounds good, why not check it out? Give your honey a plane ticket for Christmas instead of an angora sweater. Call us at Merry Maui Weddings. We can arrange a very affordable holiday wedding with very little notice.

Bring some family or friends, if you wish, or maybe just each other for a very romantic, private wedding. We’ll have it videotaped for you and you can show it at your New Year’s eve reception back home. Think about it.

Usually, Christmas is the busiest time of year for tourism in Hawaii, but, because of the economic downturn, you should be able to find an inexpensive place to stay during this normally very busy time. So, what’s keeping you in the tundra? Come to the land of sunshine and blue waters in December.

For one thing, many brides and grooms don’t care whether their ceremony is in the sand or just above or next to it on the lawn or bluff, so long as beach pictures could be taken after the ceremony. If you are one of these, then you will not need to worry about a permit at all, as these areas are above the high water mark. Picture taking on the beach does not require a DLNR permit.

If you do wish to have your ceremony in the sand, then you will need a permit. The permit is not easy for an individual to obtain, because it requires that whoever is applying for the permit to carry insurance for over $300,000.00 and have the State of Hawaii named as an insurer. Most individuals do not meet this requirement.

We have heard from people who were worried, because they did not know how to get a permit and were concerned that it would be expensive. The good news is that it’s not expensive and your wedding company should be able to obtain the permit for you, at a nominal cost. You can compare how much the wedding companies you are considering are charging to process the permit. If you are paying over $60 for your permit, then you are probably being charged too much for the processing.

At Merry Maui Weddings, your permit will never cost over $60 for a group of 20 our under, because we want to do everything we can to make your wedding not only beautiful, but also as affordable as possible, while never comprimising quality. For instance, you can receive a complete, quality beach photo wedding from Merry Maui Weddings for under $400 plus tax.

When I asked the couple how they met, they both chimed in, enthusiastically, “Craigslist!” I said, “tell me more.” And, this is their story…

Greg needed a roommate for his home and put an ad in Craigslist. Sarah rented the room. They got to know each other as roommates. When the sparks began to fly, they decided it was best that Sarah have her own home. (They didn’t tell me why, but I would guess that dating would be a little awkward when you’d both return to the same house!)

The dating went well and Greg and Sarah decided to spend the rest of their lives together. So, the order of their courtship was unusual – first, they lived together, then they dated, then they married and lived together again, as man and wife. The situation seemed to have worked well for them, as they are as happy as can be.

At the beginning of Craig & Sarah’s ceremony, unusual dark clouds covered the sky, but they didn’t seem to notice. However, just when they began to recite their vows, the sun broke through the clouds and bathed them in golden light. They did notice that. Later, they had lots of fun, frolicking on the beach, while their photographer captured wonderful images.

“You never know”
———————-
Where will love find you?
A party, church, school or work?
Could be your kitchen!

Some brides are sabotaged by nervousness, self-doubt or even their desire for “perfection.” Their extreme concern that every detail be perfect, ruins their appreciation of the true joy of marriage – the wondrous fact that two people are promising to join their hearts and lives in a lifelong commitment. 

Happily, some brides are so appreciative of this miracle, that they perceive the world through rose-colored glasses and see perfection in everything about their wedding. Madaleine was this kind of bride. She is a beautiful, successful career woman who has been an item with her handsome, older groom, Stephano, for ten years. Though Stephano is a charming, well-to-do lawyer, with elegant old world courtliness, she had known him long enough to see through his attractive surface. She must like what’s underneath, because she was head-over-heels, giggling, kissing, him every few seconds, in love. She didn’t seem to see the unusual clouds, hiding the sun, at their Maui beach wedding. Their love was the sun.

Dark clouds hide sunlight
But cannot dim the radiance
Cast by their Love-Light

Amy & David met 7-1/2 years ago when Amy was still in high school and David had just graduated. They were working at the same fast food restaurant. At first, they had to date secretly because of company policy. David quit his job so he could openly date her and they have been a couple, ever since.

They decided to delay marriage until they had their careers and finances in order. So, they focused on their schooling, Amy her nursing and David as an engineer. They graduated, obtained good jobs, and decided that they were ready for marriage.  They saved money and planned for a Maui wedding and honeymoon, which they fully enjoyed. They picked a lovely color scheme - cobalt, white and lavender, which the sunset that day cooperated with.

Amy & David are planning to finalize the purchase of their own home when they return from their honeymoon on Maui. My mother tells me that their judicious planning and dicipline were very common with couples in previous generations. Sounds very sensible to me.  

When I asked them how they met, they told me they had met at the age of thirteen and began dating. Unfortunately, when parents moved, they were seperated and lost contact with each other. After a number of years, Michelle decided to find Brooks and succeded.  They had been through many experiences and other relationships that had not worked.  Meeting each other again, everything clicked immediately and they have been together ever since.  They achieved their dream of celebrating their wedding and honey moon on maui and I don’t believe they will let themselves be separated again.

I watched this peaceful, happy couple walking away, hand in hand and I thought they looked like two peas in a pod. It was if they had always been together.

When two hearts unite

Separation does not break

The bond created

Over 16 years ago, Donna decided to be bold and ask for what she wanted in a newspaper ad. She asked for fun, companionship and romance.  Bob soon responded and their correspondence was so pleasing, they decided to go on a real date, meeting in person for the first time. This date was so successful, the couple told me, that it never ended, and subsequently they planned to marry on their 16th anniverserary.  A long engagement can be very romantic.

So true to their spirit of fun, they planned a festive wedding, hawaiian style.  After, the touching and sweet ceremony and music and hula, Bob and Donna enjoyed a wedding toast and haupia coconut cake, as the Maui sky celebrated their union with a spectacular display of golds oranges and pinks.

As the day ended, Bob and Donna set off, hand in hand , laughing and kissing to join friends for a celebratory seaside dinner.

Meke Aloha, Bob and Donna